Happy New Year my loves!
I cannot begin to express to you how excited I am to be starting this new year! Mainly because it’s like starting out fresh. Out with the old and in with the new. A new book to write in for 2015. To reinvent and be. I told myself that this year I wanted to be more real. To dare to be who I really am and express myself authentically. Without so much of the fluff, which I feel we all seem to do, a lot of the times.
With that said, I am sharing with you something I wrote that is really close to my heart. I hope you enjoy it and can relate to it in some way or another. Here goes…
You & Me (Alisa Rajkitkul – 1.6.15)
How could you say you loved me, with your love so conditional when it came to me
How could you say you loved me, when your love came with so many strings attached for me
How could you say you loved me, when you only seemed to love to control me
How could you say you loved me, if your love came with rules and regulations, and a list of ways to be
Do you not realize, you were taking away what is authentically me
How could you say you loved me, when you don’t want me to be me
Everything you think is love, is not love
Because isn’t love supposed to be unconditional, baby
What you really love is control, baby
You wanted to be the master and the puppet — was me
But since I couldn’t be, then who, she?
Someone who will act the way u like
Dress the way you like
Talk the way you like
Think the way you like
And be the way you like
But don’t you realize sweetheart, that is not love
But the love of power
And I am a very simple creature
A human tho
With thoughts, and feelings, and emotions, and this inner strength, I didn’t know I had in me
Not a puppet
Merely a person who wants to be me
Is that too much to ask for, and want, and to strive to be?
The very best version of me?
I loved you for you, but could you love me for me?
Not that picture perfect person you wanted me to be
Because no matter how much I act, or lie or try
I can only be authentically me
Not a clone, different, but still beautiful in my own imperfections
Isn’t being unique and different from one another the only way God created us to be?
So then my darling, why’d you make life so complicated?
I loved you for you, the question is, could you have ever just loved me, for me
- XO Alisa
Thank you for allowing me to express myself, to be vulnerable without judgement, and for accepting me for me. XO Alisa
Black Dress: St.Pucchi
Red Dress: H&M
“Sometimes our lives have to be completely shaken up, changed and rearranged to relocated us to the place we’re meant to be.”
That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. I’ve been reading a lot of spiritualIy fulfilling books. I’ve also been journaling a lot, about everything. My life, my emotions, and the different things I’ve been though. Cultural and religious bounds, expectations, just and unjust and all that. It’s been one heck of a ride! And at times, not easy to survive. Hopefully one day I’ll have the courage to be vulnerable enough to share it all with you. Until then, I’ll continue writing it all. Funny, how when you look back at your life, so much of it seems so unreal you can’t believe it’s actually yours.
Do you ever just sit back and think “whoa, I can’t believe I’ve through all that?” It can be hard to live with — if you choose to look at it that way. Or, a lot of it can be very humbling. All those trials and errors we’ve gone through teaches us so much. Teaches us to be the compassionate, kind, loving and strong human beings we are meant to be. We pray to be those things. We pray for the strength, for patience and to be understanding. Yet, when we experience hardships in our lives, hardships that are meant to teach us and help us become that very human being we so desperately want to be, we fight it. Begging and complaining, cursing and praying, resisting and manipulating for it to go away. Wanting the easy way out. To go through life without them, like a smooth sailing ship without all the the turbulance. If only we knew, and continuously reminded ourselves during those uncertain times, that they are exactly what we need. The broken relationships, the false promises, the hardships, the struggles in finances, living situations, friendships and life. These circumstances are merely instilling in us, those very qualities we not only want, but need, to make us the great human beings we were meant to be.
Life is way too exceptionally beautiful to dwell on the things that make you mad. Try to find the happy in the sad, the good in the bad. Just some humble thoughts I wanted to add.
Vest: Burlington Coat Factory
Top: Old Navy
I moved to San Francisco around this time last year and it was then, that I first experienced SantaCon. For those of you who don’t know what it is, SantaCon is pretty much one huge costume party, with people dressed in santa costumes or any other christmas character and parade around the city! There’s music, food, drinks and overall, happy, energetic and friendly people all around! It was a lot of fun and different from anything i’d experienced. My friends and I walked from neighborhood to neighborhood, taking it all in. We stopped to talk to people, take pictures, and just enjoyed the energy of the city. The hustle and bustle of it all and everyone in their christmas spirit was wonderful! I didn’t really have an outfit in mind except for the hat, which I had from the year before, so I was really happy with the way it turned out. It’s always nice being able to pull different pieces from your closet to create an outfit. The best part of SantaCon for me tho, is people watching. Seeing all the different variations of Santas, Mrs. Clauses, Rudolphs and Elves. They even had fake snow that looked like it was falling from the sky! It was definitely an overall, enjoyable day!
Santas, Mrs. Clause, Frosty the Snow Woman and lil ole’ Elf me!
Gigi – The beautiful Frosty the Snow Woman.
Skirt: LeTote Sample Sale
Suspenders: Gift Shop (Union Square)
Suade Boots: Nordstrom
Bag: Nine West